In a conversation with Mistress last night, I mentioned my kinky priorities had shifted over time. She asked me to elaborate, and I thought I knew where my elaboration was going. I was rambling a little as we were already having a psychological kind of conversation, but I thought I knew my elaboration would end up at, “Basically, more interested in exploring service and protocol concepts than sex or play concepts.”
I pretty much said those words eventually, but first got way into something else that was, I think, more interesting to both of us anyway.
I talked about a realization that I’d had the other night, which basically came back to “I don’t think I’m psychologically capable of disobeying you anymore”.
Let me clarify that disobedience has never been my nature to begin with, even what most people classify as harmless bratting often boggles me. But there’s a difference between exercising self-control and behaving, and not being capable of choosing the alternative.
The part that I realized during the conversation was an important clarification. What I meant by not being able to choose the alternative was mostly that in any given situation, it doesn’t occur to me. Even situations that have long, emotional mental processes involved, ones where in a more egalitarian situation, I’d probably be justified in some high level of push-back. And my brain in those situations now comes up with… zero resistance. Even thinking in a meta sense about past situations I used as examples, I still kind of couldn’t wrap my head around responding differently. I just had the awareness that in a different power structure (or lack thereof), my response could and probably would be very different and resistant.
I’m not talking about external behavior here, but rather what my brain does. In the past, I might have still had the same external response—but I know that what was going on in my head was different.
I think this change has happened gradually over time, but probably accelerated in the last few months—and a lot of our general life stuff got a lot better sorted then, so maybe it makes sense. It also seems to have happened in part while I wasn’t looking, so to speak. Hitting some level of complete acceptance of slavery. I’ve looked into the phrase “internal enslavement” before, but now… I feel like I get so much more of it.
So it was a super exciting revelation for me, and I think for Mistress, too.