Evaluating, Discussing, and Planning for Your Social Needs

People, especially M/s pairs, frequently get the advice, “Communicate!  Know yourself!” but they don’t always get advice on how to do those things.

I’m not an expert, just your friendly neighborhood slave who “used to be an introvert, is now an extrovert, still gets mistaken for an introvert”.

So here we go: evaluating, explaining, and planning for your social wants, needs, and abilities (and some on doing so within an M/s dynamic as a slave).

If you only read one more sentence here, let it be this: not all socializing is the same.

If what you really want is a long emotional midnight talk with your best friend, small talk at the water cooler with your coworkers isn’t gonna cut it.

If you want to be talking with an energetic group of people, that long emotional midnight talk isn’t gonna cut it.

If you want to talk to someone about a specific passion project, a family dinner focused on a distant relative isn’t gonna cut it.

Step 1: Evaluate

Think about what you want (and don’t want) or need out of social interactions.  Not just right now, but in general.  Consider:

Quantity of People — What do you get out of small group interactions?  Large group?  One on one?  Do you have a general preference for one or more of those?  Do you want different amounts of people at different times, and what times are those?  Are you “better” at interacting with a specific quantity of people, based on how well they respond, or on how you feel?

Specific People — People who are close to you might be in a bit of a category all their own.  Are there people you crave interacting with in particular?  Your partner(s)?  Your family?  Your best friends?

Intimacy Level — What do you get out of interacting with strangers?  Acquaintances?  Friends?  People closest to you?  What about conversations that are light, or conversations that are in depth?  Do you have a preference towards any of those, and does your preference change—if so, based on what?  Are you more at ease, and do you set others more at ease, with intimate conversation, or small talk?

Virtual or In Person — How do you count virtual interactions?  Group virtual spaces, private messaging, phone calls, video chatting?  Are you tech savvy?  Do you feel more comfortable in a specific medium?

Topics of Discussion — Do you seek out friends to talk about specific things with, like hobbies, or kink?  If so, what things?

Level of Interactiveness — Does sitting with someone, both mostly doing your own thing, count as socializing for you, and in what way?  Do you enjoy it, or no?  Does that change based on number of people, or who it is?

Length/Frequency of Interactions — What amount of socialization do you generally need, and of what types above?  What about alone time, and how do you define that?  What makes those amounts go up?  Down?  Do you like fewer but longer interactions or alone times, or more but shorter?  Does anything there depend on other factors?  What do you define as frequent or infrequent, or long or short?  Are you long-winded, or do you struggle to keep conversations going?

Step 2: Analyze

From the information you determined based on those types of questions, ponder what your social life would ideally look like in action.

I’ll use myself as an example. 

I generally prefer a mix of some fairly large group interactions with mostly one on one.  I like having time to interact one on one with some of my vanilla family, Mistress, and my best friend.  Virtual communication doesn’t usually do much for me, but sitting with someone while we both do our own thing does, and it’s important to me to have people to talk to about both writing and kink (largely covered by the specific people above).  I tend to go for longer one on one hang outs, like spending a whole day together, and large group interactions of maybe around three hours.

With that information in mind, I make it part of my weekly planning to check for any kink events I want to go to (generally an easy way to satisfy that large group desire) and to ask those specific people if they want to hang out (generally optimizing around schedules for longer amounts of time).

Basically: figure out how to meet those desires.  Come up with different, malleable ideas.

Step 3: Discuss

Within whatever framework your dynamic has, share what you discovered in the steps above.

“Whys” for your preferences might be a good thing to share if you’re having a more theoretical conversation, but it might be good to not get too hung up on them if you’re just talking action items.

Remember that most social needs are very specific to each person; don’t try to pass general judgment on them, good or bad; simply explain them as being yours.

Then, talk about your ideas for meeting those desires.  Ask for feedback; see how you can make it a win-win.

As said, I’m an extrovert; Mistress, on the other hand, is an introvert.  For us, it works out well if I go out of the house to get my extrovert time, because it generally leaves her home alone to get her introvert time.  Win-win.

Maybe there are people you can both arrange to see at the same time for convenience.  Maybe you both want to go to more kink events—you can offer to look for ones you’d both enjoy.  Maybe you can offer to manage both of your calendars to make planning easier (we use a shared Google Calendar).

From there, you can have experimentation with action plans to find out what works best.

The Contract Post

This post is about detailed M/s contracts that outline relationship expectations, using my own as an example and focusing on what goes into it.

So, let’s get started.

My M/s contract opens with a brief section on the contract itself with a few other miscellaneous details tucked in.

It states that “this contract” supersedes all other versions of this contract once it is signed. The contract will stand for a six month term, at the end of which it can be renewed as is or with edits.

This does a few things. It takes the power out of the old contracts and makes it clear which one we’re going by. Having a specific term length for it helps remind us to re-visit it and see if we need those edits (six months currently works for us, but this definitely varies for different people).

This section also states what the contract is for. In our case, “a 24/7 live-in Mistress/slave dynamic.” This makes the scope clear and features our main roles. It goes on to say that I am collared, as that’s kind of a distinct status in itself.

For us, this section includes a brief statement that’s basically “we’re monogamous,” and what that means to us (I think we go by a pretty standard model). I will say that if a relationship’s exclusivity arrangement is much more complex than that, it might warrant a section of its own elsewhere. For us, it would be overkill.

The next section is “Schedule”. It covers a few things, most importantly: Meta Sunday, maintenance discipline, big events, errands, and what days I go out.

So, some brief elaborations.

Meta Sunday is what we call our weekly check-in that’s mostly for planning. We go through a list of questions, such as “what was great this week” and “what are we looking forward to next week”. Then we review our shared Google Calendar, and anything else of importance.

Maintenance discipline is every Saturday, defined as private and non-sexual, a spanking with what we call the discipline wand, a small, variable amount of strokes that get counted in the format, “One, thank you, Mistress, please may I have another?”

By “big events” I mean there’s a bit about making effort to celebrate birthdays and major holidays together, and who handles anniversary plans on which year (we split it up by odd/even-numbered years).

We assign our errands to a specific day of the week (Tuesday).

We also have a bit about me going out twice a week without Mistress, to give her some introvert time and me some extrovert time.

Next big section: service.

This section opens with a line that basically boils down to “slave does as Mistress says”. It’s brief, but important, because it allows for flexibility.

It then goes on to define general expectations, bullet point lists of “morning tasks”, “evening tasks”, and tasks by iterations ranging from daily to annual and a section for “other”.

Examples include doing my morning exercise routine and making the bed (mornings), writing my slave journal entry and cleaning the kitchen (evening), various cooking and cleaning tasks (daily), changing the air filters (monthly), and rotating the mattress (quarterly).

Then we go to the “Rules and Protocols” section. There’s a “does not apply in vanilla company” sub-section. Examples of some rules/protocols include asking permission to touch myself sexually/orgasm, bring home sweets, adjust the thermostat, or use the dishwasher. It also has slave position guides, a note on asking permission/asking if there’s anything else I may do to be useful before leaving her presence, a note on not being allowed to lock interior doors, and bedtime leashing protocols.

Then there’s a uniform section, which outlines my daily uniform. I’ve spoken about that before here.

We have a financial section that outlines who pays for what, and how much, along with any other related obligations.

Finally, we have a facing issues/dissolution section. The “facing issues” part covers that if Mistress thinks I should be punished, she will do it in a method of her choosing. (This doesn’t come up often but we made a point of writing it in anyway.) It also covers the written format we can use to raise major issues (we have never had to use it).

After that, it talks about dissolution. This may seem a bit dark, to talk about breaking up before you even sign the contract, but if nothing else, it might give you some general insight into the other person’s mind. Ours says that I will not invoke safewords, limits, relationship termination, or any other form of refusal; it notes that the contract is a tool of communication for current understandings and is not enforceable from my side. Mistress “may verbally make exceptions to, add, remove, or change its contents, and will endeavor to maintain the overall integrity of the agreement as a matter of honor rather than due to enforceability.” If she chooses to dissolve the dynamic, she “agrees to do so in a reasonable manner after due communication, and be open to ongoing discussion on further agreements”.

Other than that, it’s a formatting and signatures game.

One note: the vast majority of M/s contracts are not legally binding. There may be some relevant legal paperwork you can do under vanilla terms, but odds are slavery is not legal where you are. That means these contracts are usually more honor-bound than anything else, but hopefully you’re entering this contract with someone honorable.

Another note: to keep things simple, we aimed to keep any anticipated life changes in mind while writing, and keep certain things, like tasks, as vague as still very reasonable in case a detail changed. We considered it important to point out when and what kind of exceptions could be made throughout the contract.

And so you have it, the (“obligatory” for someone who writes on M/s) contract post.