Tales From the Butler Academy: How Many Months Does It Take to Pour Wine?

I’m a little skeptical going into Module 10 (The Bar and Wine Cellar), to be honest. I technically can’t have alcohol. Mistress generally forbids it, with good reason, since I’m a schizophrenic on antipsychotic medications. I’ve had a few sips throughout my life, but I’ve never been so much as tipsy, or really enjoyed the taste; I’ve never even been tempted to break the rule. Mistress herself drinks rarely. I already have my alcohol server card and know some basics. I want my service education to be thorough and well rounded, and I’m sure there will be information in the module that will be useful to know, but we’re not really a big alcohol household, and I’m nervous to confront one of my weak spots.

Still, most of the module goes smoothly. For one assignment, we finally tell some of my in laws who have been insisting on bringing us to a wine tasting in Sonoma yes. Over six hundred miles and nine hours of driving away from home, Mistress kindly grants me a special exception to the alcohol rule so I can participate. I take a small sip of each wine, then gladly let her enjoy the rest, mostly busy taking pictures and notes for the course. It’s a fun day for everyone.

For another assignment, I have to learn to cook with wine (and wine substitutes), as well. I revisit my pot roast recipe, which is the one recipe I sometimes use wine in, if we happen to have it handy. I also add two more recipes to my regular repertoire: poached pears and wine (or substitute) brownies, which are oddly the first batch of edible brownies from scratch I’ve ever made. (I love to bake, and I’m told I’m pretty okay at it, but brownies somehow eluded me until I put red wine in them.) Mistress loves both new recipes, but especially the former, as do I. I made wine poached pears a la mode for her and my mother just the other night.

The biggest snag before I submit the last assignments is just the sheer number of times I get carded. I’m twenty-four (at the time), and apparently I don’t quite look it. Famously, I once get carded three times for standing in the wine aisle at the grocery store, just looking, as an assignment calls for, not even trying to purchase any alcohol at that particular moment.

Then I hit the real snag of the module.

One assignment calls for videoing myself performing “the wine tasting ceremony”. The first problem is that this ceremony isn’t fully outlined anywhere. There’s a brief parenthetical in the assignment itself; it’s mentioned in the textbook, with a few potential scenarios, but not in detail; none of the other course texts really have anything about it. The Internet doesn’t turn up much. What we experienced in Sonoma is clearly not quite the same thing; I’ve been kind of winging it for other assignments that mention the ceremony, and scan the feedback for more clues. For the video, I give it my best go. I send in my first submission of it, amongst several other assignments, on September 13th, 2022.

The feedback on the video is extensive.

The first point of feedback from my instructor is that she wants to see me actually open the bottle of wine on camera, with a corkscrew bottle opener, removing the foil properly with the blade; although the last point of feedback acknowledges that I would usually not open the bottle at the table in real life, due to decanting and whatnot, which was why I’d assumed it was fine to start with an opened bottle.

One bullet point reminds me that drinks are always served from the right, with the right hand, and another also mentions that the glass should be on the right side of the host. This confuses me for a moment, because I do know these things. But I take another look at my video, and realize that—due to filming logistics and my camera settings—it’s backwards. The same point encourages me to place my hand that should’ve been free (my left) behind my back while pouring (leaving the glass on the table, not holding it). It acknowledges that the behind the back is a minor point (but I later make sure to incorporate it anyway).

One point merely suggests that I might have an easier time with a smaller bottle of wine, which is also more common than the bottle size I happened to have handy.

Yet another specifies not to let the bottle touch the glass, and to not spill any drops, which honestly seems a little obvious. But another look at my video reminds me that, while I don’t quite do the former (although it’s close, and the camera angle makes it look especially close) and don’t spill any drops of wine on the video, at one point, between filming, I had spilled a drop of wine—shuffling things around to reset for the multiple scenarios shown in the video, in a way that I wouldn’t do in real life: the drop appears on the tablecloth after the reset.

Other points: once the host approves of their taste of the wine, I would walk around the table to the guests who are sharing the wine, and fill their glasses (again: from the right, and to the widest part of the glass—which I had not quite done due to a limited remaining supply of wine; at this point, I’m burning through cheap wine we don’t drink), and then come back to actually fill the host’s glass, rather than starting with them. Also, “no need” to replace the cork between the steps shown.

Okay. There’s a lot there.

For some of the other assignments, I’m asked to elaborate a little more in writing. I thank my instructor for the feedback enthusiastically as usual and quickly complete and send over my written elaborations, which she accepts.

The video redo—the final key to passing Module 10—is eluding me, though.

On November 15th—the day after my anniversary with Mistress—I send my instructor an email apologizing for all the delay and informing her I’ll be taking a hiatus from the course through at least the first day of February. I have a lot of health stuff going on in general, I’m very occupied with the actual full time “majordomo” (slave) thing, and I clearly can’t give the course the focus it needs and deserves right now; other things need my attention. I admit that it is a matter of my divided energy and focus rather than my time. And, working with my doctors on some of my health issues seems to be the key to the video redo. Among other symptoms, my hand tremors (a messy mix of both schizophrenia and the side effects of the medication I take to treat it) and impaired fine motor coordination (from my autism) are currently particularly bad.

During my hiatus, I try to push the course out of my mind and actually take a rejuvenating break from it, as well as address what currently gets my attention. Ideally, I’d like to return to it on February 1st genuinely refreshed, with slightly less on my plate, in better health, grateful for the rigor, and ready to finally pass Module 10 and learn more.

And that is largely what I do. I email my instructor on February 1st, thanking her for her patience, saying I hope she had a good holiday season (I did, and after all the January birthdays in the family, I’m twenty-five now), and: I’m back. I still have more work to do, and my “employer” is having surgery on Valentine’s Day, but: let’s do this thing.

I turn my attention back to the video redo.

Finally, several more tries later, I’ve about mastered everything except the initial opening of the bottle of wine. I can consistently open it safely and efficiently, but I might never make it look proper. A certain percentage of my (medically based) issues with it just aren’t going to go away entirely. On February 11th, I note all of this to my instructor, adding that she herself said that I would normally not open the wine in front of an audience (and we’ve already discussed the fact that I have little need for this skill in my current position as it is), and I submit a redo in which I’ve pinned down everything else. I say I’d be interested in her advice on how to move forward.

On February 13th, five months after I submit the video among other assignments for the first time (minus a two and a half month hiatus), my instructor says that we are ready to move on.

Thank you so much for your resubmission of Module 10, 12-b. This looks much, much better! I see nice control of the bottle, the pouring of liquid, the whole tasting procedure. You have nice posture, you look professional but not stiff. I love it and this is definitely a pass.

I about cry when I get her email. I’m not a crier. I don’t cry at funerals or deathbeds; I don’t cry when I get beaten for four hours; it’s just not my thing. But now, the tears spring right to my eyes, and I’m actually wiping a few off my cheeks. I run to tell Mistress, who celebrates with me. I thank my instructor profusely. I eagerly take in Module 11 of 22.

I tell this story in part because people ask me about butler school a lot, and sometimes it’s hard to summarize it overall. So here’s a specific example. It’s not always easy for me. I’m so grateful for it and it’s brought me a lot of joy, but the rigor of it also sometimes requires humility and vulnerability and dedication.

And in a way, that’s added to my service education even more than being able to perfectly pour a glass of wine.